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Monday, July 19, 2004

TAKING A DIVE

"Let's get this gent kitted up," says Chage McCoy. Chage is outfitting me for my first airborne adventure. "You will need a chute, a smoke cannister, an altimeter and a helmet."

"AND A PAIR OF DEPENDS!"

Around me, members of the SL Skydivers are already strapped in and ready for their plunge. (Unfortunately, Al Bravo, who made their skydiving gear, is not among them.)

Aerodome owner Cubey Terra approaches me. "Are you going to suit up and take the plunge, Mr. Linden?"

I answer that I am.

"That's the spirit! There's only a small chance that you'll get pulped on the ground."

"Only if your chute fails to open," Reitsuki Kojima adds. "Pity we never got around to puting in the reserve chute... Oh well."

The group uses so much skydiving lingo, while I suit up, that I ask them if they've ever actually jumped out of a plane in real life-- or at least, hope to, someday.

"Can't say I do," says Chage, "I hate heights."

Reitsuki Kojima looks at me. "Are you kidding? I'm terrified of tall buildings in real life. I love planes and being up high in Second Life. I can't stand anything above 20 feet in real life-- I guess the two are related somehow."

"What happens [at] about twenty feet?"

"I develop a sudden urge to be DOWN. And panic attacks. Like, 'I'm about to vomit'."

When the concept of virtual reality first got going, there was a theory that it could be used for curing phobics, by simulating their various phobias in a digital space, until they were desensitized to what they feared. I ask Kojima if his frequent skydives have had any effect on his own fear.

"A little," he says. "I can't say I like heights [any more], but... I can at least stand on balconies now, I've noticed."

Cubey Terra's jumped from a plane once. "I'm totally afraid of heights," he says, "but I found that when I got outside the plane, it wasn't a problem. Maybe because I had a parachute. When I climb ladders and so forth, I don't have that reassurance."

So with my 'chute on, I march to the jump platform with at least two and a half self-confessed acrophobes, eager to take the plunge.

"Hold on to your butts," Kojima warns, as the platform ascends to a thousand meters.

"Altimeter Alert!," the gague on my wrist announces. "You are now above 350 meters. Say 'arm' to set auto-pull." I say "arm" as suggested, and now the parachute on my back is talking, too: "Auto-pull altimeter armed. Set for 350 meter deployment."

And when the moment's right, we launch into the air, and go flailing toward the ground. Everything around us is described by speed, wind, and blur, until the auto-pull kicks in, and our chutes furl out. Now we're leisurely wafting downward, smoke plumes trailing behind us, with enough time to watch the oncoming landscape as it...

"I'm stuck!" I yell. My chute has hooked onto a corner of the Aerodome. "I'm gonna get dragged to my death in the ocean!"

"Detach your chute!" Kojima shouts at me.

After we manage to get myself out of that embarassing predicament, a bunch of us pile into Cubey's turboprop, for more traditional skydiving. Trouble is, the fuselage is too narrow for me to tell if I'm still wearing a chute. In the confusion, I fire off my smoke cannister.

Kojima turns back at me. "The plane is filling with smoke!"

"I'm telling the TSA," Stretch Stephanopolis threatens. "Smoke in a plane!"

But I'm more concerned about what happens when we make the jump. "I CAN'T TELL IF MY CHUTE IS ON!"

"Hamlet," says Chage, "it is, because I saw you arm it."

"You'll know if it's on when you fall," Cubey adds, helpfully.

I'm not satisfied, and now I'm shouting. "I'M IN A PLANE WITHOUT A CHUTE! I'M LIKE KEANU REEVES UP HERE!"

Suddenly, fellow jumper Atra Brodsky suddenly recognizes me. "Hey, Hamlet, are you the reporter guy?" In between the panic, I admit that I am.

"I'M GONNA BE FAMOUS!" Brodsky crows.

And despite all their assurances, when we leap from the plane, I find that I do not, in fact, have my chute on, and go plunging like a stone straight into the sea, crumpling on impact.

"We're gonna have to fish Hamlet out of the lake!" Kojima shouts over my corpse, while two Cobra choppers circle overhead.

"For god's sake," Chage cries, "pull him out before he drowns."

Reitsuki flies off, and returns with the pod from 2001: A Space Odyssey, complete with the cabin's whirring sound effects, sampled from the Kubrick movie, then makes like Dave Bowman, with me as Dr. Poole's lifeless body.

"I tried," he grumbles. "I cant get him onto the claw. Curse these inflexible claws!"

"Dammit, Chage," says Cubey, "he's dead!"

Atra Brodsky looks around. "Does this mean I'm not gonna be famous?"

Cubey Terra sighs. "That's what it means."

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That was a great read, Hamlet. You tell it well.

Sorry about dropping you to your death. Hope you're feeling better now :)

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